Taylor

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Taylor

As most of you know, I really dislike Taylor. So why am I making a page all about him? Well, because people e-mail me non-stop telling me to add things about him. So, I'm just going to get this done and over with. And don't ask for anything else about him please.

Taylor's Whore...Oops...I mean wife. WEDDING MARCH

You knew it was coming - or did you? Although I had intended to refrain from making fun of Taylor's wedding, and I gotten so many requests from you visitors to do it, that I just had to give in. So, let's get some things straight first.

I do NOT "hate" Taylor's wife. I am NOT "jealous" of her. I just hate Taylor.

I am very happy for Taylor and his wife. As you probably know, I'm don't even like Taylor anymore (evern before the Wedding) as it is, so whether Taylor dies an old spinster haggy man or married to a woman, I don't really give a shit either way.

With all this in mind, please proceed with a sense of humor.

At the Bachelor Party:

It was Zac's idea, naturally. Actually, it's more of a party for him than his brother. Ike and Zac invite every girl and guy in the subdivision.

Isaac, trying to help, bakes a huge-ass cake. However, it seems he forgot that the stripper is put in AFTER the cake is done. Taylor cuts cake. Cake begins to smoke. No stripper jumps out.

Zac gets it on with the neighbor girl in Mac's bedroom.

Isaac proceeds to hire another stripper. When she arrives, Taylor is entranced by her hot-pink bikini underpants, and asks to try them on for size.

Zac drinks. A lot. Zac throws beer cans in the fishtank and bobs for them. It's his new game he invented.

Zac wakes up naked next to Taylor the next morning. Neither of them really remember how they got there or what happened. The only piece of evidence in the hot-pink bikini underwear on Taylor. Zac wonders what the stripper wore home.
Reasons for the Marriage:

Tired of all of the gay rumors and "Taylor and Alex" sightings, Taylor decides to settle things once and for all. No matter how many times he states he is "straight as a board", we all still believe his board is a little warped. So he gets married to a woman to show the world that not only is he the most gorgeous human being ever known to mankind, but he is straight. Straight damnit, STRAIGHT!

He loves his woman very very much. Durr? After a few months of holding her in his arms and singing her to sleep - *gags nasty chunklets* - he has realized that she is the woman of his dreams, and he can't see himself with anyone else (except for maybe Zac). Although this is the most puke-worthy reason, I like it the most.

He made an eensy-weensy mistake and let his fishes fly free. Um, oops.

All this talk about how evil and sinful premarital sex is, he knows he is setting a good example for all of those pre-pubescent girls out there who are unaware of the fact that you can NOT get pregnant from a Teen Beat poster. In order to satisfy his manly urges, he marries. The last of the wedding guests are shooed out around 9pm, and Taylor has a field day.
Possible Wedding Locations:

The garage-slash-studio. I mean, it's a class Hanson landmark, right? "Celebrate the union of Taylor and The Whore at 2pm on June 8th, in the Infamous Hanson Garage!" you know. Er...maybe not.

Skydiving over NYC. That's the sure way to find out if fans are following you. When you see 4 planes behind you and girls start jumping out with an umbrella over their heads, you know you've got trouble.

Underwater at the Great Barrier Reef. Since they can't say their vows, they have to write them. Imagine when the paper says "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, initial here" and Nat Anne Hanson must write "NAH". Now that's worth framing.

None other than Callaway Gardens in Pine Mountain, GA. Why didn't they get married in Tulsa? Yeah Tay, let's do everything SHE wants to do...
Possible Wedding Songs:

Joan Jett, I Hate Myself for Loving You
U2, Stuck In a Moment (You Can't Get Out Of)
It's the Way You Smack My Ass
Avril Lavigne, Complicated
Bon Jovi, You Give Love a Bad Name
Def Leppard, Love Bites
Def Leppard, When Love & Hate Collide
Simple Plan, I'm Just a Kid
REM, It's the End of the World
Metallica, Unforgiven
Led Zeppelin, Hey What Can I Do
Jimmy Buffet, Why Don't We Get Drunk & Screw
Possibly After the Wedding:

Taylor, realizing that he is no longer a free man, gets dead drunk and must be carried to his room by beefy brother Zac. Upon impact on the bed, he farts and laughs hysterically, whereby Zac proceeds to call him a fucking moron.

Isaac, realizing that he just went to his younger brother's wedding, sits on the hood of his car with his face in his hands. In order to bask freely in his own sorrow, he heads back to the kitchen for another Vodka.

Zac gets it on with one of the bridesmaids.

Zac gets it on with one of the bridesmaids's sisters.

Taylor discovers Zac getting it on with one of the bridesmaids in the janitorial closet, and joins in.

Nat goes to the bathroom and realizes she has started her period. She runs out and embraces Taylor saying, "Oh, it was just a false alarm!"
A joke. IT WAS ALL A JOKE! Remember? Haha

Nat and Ezra

I HATE TAYLOR

So now you're wondering, why the hell do I have a tribute to Taylor Hanson with a section called "I hate Taylor"? BECAUSE I GET HIGH ON CRUNCHY BOOGERS. No really, just give me a minute here. Watch.

He's taller than me.
He's prettier than me.
He's thinner than me.
His eyes are bluer than mine.
He can play guitar better than me.
He can play piano better than me.
I don't know if he can drum better than me...we'll have to find out. HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO LOSE TO A GIRL, TAYLOR?!? Oh well, he's still prettier than me. Damnit.
He can sing higher than me.
He can wake up and run his fingers through his hair and it looks fine. If I did that, I'd look like an escaped circus midget.
He has the guts to grope himself on national TV.
He has a huge ego and it's okay. If I ever got an egoe the size of his, i'd get shot down like you wouldn't believe. It's like bootcamp.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW

Careful with that cell phone Taylor, in time you may develop a tumor.

"Can you hear me now? ...good."

"No, I didn't notice a huge red zit on my cheek this morning, why?"

"Oh damnit, what's our home number again?"

"Sorry Ed, I'll have to call you back, some girl is trying to steal my thong."

"Seven...four...one...shit."

"Give me five minutes! Don't let her take her clothes off before I get there! Just FIVE MINUTES!"

"What? What do you MEAN, there's a scary girl following me?"

WHIPPERSNAPPER

Here's some pics of Taylor when he was just a little whippersnapper, helping old ladies cross the street and getting belted in the face with thteir purses...poor guy.

FASHION POLICE

There are some things that Taylor wears that just don't agree with my stomach.

Someone lost a bet.

You look like you just made love in an elevator boy, come on, get cleaned up a bit.

A turtleneck sweater? WHY?!?

Was that once an elephant handkerchief?

Taylor Taylor Taylor...tsk. Those pants are going to blind someone.

Nice to meet you, Ranger Tay.

Oh yes Tay, let's encourage that. By all means...how about you spike that 6-year-old's KoolAid while you're at it?

Oh good lord, it looks like a newspaper threw up.

Gee Tay, could you BE any more masculine?

I see Dr. Zhivago's on call.

They say that ugly horizontal lines make you look heavier, but Taylor STILL looks like he needs to eat a zebra or something.

Chopping up Grandma's curtains again, are we?

Oh gahd...that has to go. It's like a neon Elton John roadsign.

Dude, Taylor, WHAT is UP with the discount curtain material here?!?

I see Jessica's old blouse has been put to good use.

Taylor's so flowery and frilly, oh how pretty!

Looks like one of those hypnotic blacklight posters. Oooh yes, I'm getting sleepy!

Um, Tay sweetie, I think you missed a button. The lines aren't matching up.

HERE'S THE LOVE

I realise that the guys wish to convey no incestual messages, but some pics just downright scare me shitless.

The origination of In the City. "I'm gonna ask you once again, you gotta tell me once again, do you love me?"

"Isaac, I told you never to talk to me here!"

"Zac, you make me so hot - oh, wait, it's just the lights, nevermind."

"Yanno Ike, I never noticed it before, but your eyes are really pretty. They're like an endless sea of...uh...brown..."

While Zac is looking orgasmic, Taylor has that forced, constipated look. Very stylish.

I see Taylor = lunchtime.

Speaking of getting a room...

"Tight solo, duuuuuude..."

"Hey Ike, kiss me, I'm Irish."

Awww, how sweet! ...NOT!

Drinking buddies.

They're having too much fun for my liking.

Wanting to put his arm around his brother to show his affection, Zac fakes a stretch and goes for it.

Pals. heh.

"Zac! For the last time, *I'M* SINGING LEAD!"

"Step step turn, step step turn, step step - Zac, you stepped on me AGAIN!"

"Today, I marry my friend."

They want you, Tay. Bad.

Zac's the only one who realizes how naughty that looks.

Taylor and Zac picking out wallpaper. If that's not committment, I don't know what is.

Zac's just sitting around, minding his OOOOOWN business when Tay gives his ass a leetle peench.

"Here Taylor. Use it wisely, that's the last condom I have."

Extreme close-up ala Wayne's World. "WHOOOOOOA!"

"We went to Burger King last night Tay...come on don't blow it...you got a Whopper and we shared a large fry...come on Tay don't let the truth slip...remember Taylor, remember..."

Taylor slips a little tweak into Zac's buttcheek. Notice how Zac stays calm and collected.

Notice Taylor playing with the zipper on Zac's pants. GET A ROOM!

OhmyGOD...is he sucking the wax out of Ike's ear, or what?

"Catch me Tay, CATCH ME!"

"Zac, let's calm down. There's no need to be jealous of my relationship with Isaac."

IMPOSTERS

WARNING! The following people are being mistaken for Taylor Hanson and picking up cute chicks and gay guys all over the world. DO NOT BE FOOLED!